For Skattie

Way down at the bottom of the page, you’ll find a dedication that reads “For Skattie.” Skattie was my friend Scott Vice. He was pursuing a Ph.D in Clinical Psychology, specializing in childhood psychological disorders, at the University of Denver.

Scott committed suicide on July 29, 2002. He was 37.
Continue reading →

Everybody’s Working For The Weekend!

Open your eyes, your vision unfogs to morning light. Transition from dreams to consciousness.

What day is it? Slow realization: Monday.

Claw the air with knurled fists. Moan your anguish to an uncaring universe. “Why, God!” But there is no God, at least not this morning.

Get up. Go to work. Hurl yourself onto the freeway. Run through the concrete maze, Rat. Run, Rat! Run!

The first phone call of the day stings dully, like the lash of a whip against a scabbed, callused back.

Crawl through the morning, towards the morsel of rancid cheese that is your lunch hour. It’s recess in the school of smothered dreams.

Sit at your desk. Stare at the monitor. Excel spreadsheet. Back away, into your mind. Scrape together the dry, crumbling remnants of your humanity. Scatter them with an angry sweep of your hand.

Crawl through the hours, scrabbling blindly in the shadow of the spectre of unemployment that looms overhead. Crawl faster! Don’t you feel its hot, fetid breath on the back of your neck? Faster!

End of day. You leap towards the exit, to freedom. Get into your metal box, lurch homeward in the necrotic light.

Tuesday. Wednesday.

Thursday! So close now. The weekend! Working, working for the weekend.

Friday!

Hold on for one more day!

Just hold on!

HOLD ON

NEARLY THERE

Weekend!

Weekend!

Wooooooooo!

Draft Day

Draft Day

Directed by Ivan Reitman
Starring Kevin Costner, Jennifer Garner, Denis Leary

“All right, it’s gonna be a football movie, see–”

“Great! Dramatic football action footage! Loser team makes good, goes to the Super–”

“No no, there won’t be any actual football games in this movie.”

“Hmm, okay. So it’s an inspirational drama about a star player who loses everything and has to get it back–”

“Well, actually it won’t feature the players in any significant way.”

“Uh. OK, it’s about a coach trying to build a winning team out of a bunch of misfits?”

“Yeah, well actually it’s not about the coach, either.”

“OK.”

“I’m not even actually sure who this guy is, but he does all the NFL draft stuff for the Cleveland Browns.”

“Browns.”

“The whole movie is just a bunch of old white guys on the phone, trading draft picks. It’s like fantasy football but even less interesting, if that can be believed. It’s just about this one highly specific, abstract aspect of the behind the scenes operations of football teams, that doesn’t involve athleticism, sports, life-or-death decisions, or any trace of sex appeal. It’s literally just a bunch of rich white guys swapping human beings — who are predominately black — back and forth like trading cards.”

“I see.”

“Oddly, though, the whole thing kind of works, if you can momentarily forget how stupid the whole thing is.”

“Um.”

“Here, have some cocaine.”

[snort] “YEAAAHHH! GREENLIGHT THIS BABY!!!!!!”

Climbing To The Moon

Climbing To the Moon

Feel weirdly down lately. I’m pretty sure everything is OK, so there’s no external reason.

Ate seafood soup with rice noodles at Pho #1. It was really good and I ate the whole thing. Vietnamese soup is highly restorative.

I can’t seem to ever feel refreshed, in these late-summer weeks. I drink a lot of cold water, sparkling water, soda, nothing helps. I eat cold watermelon — nothing. It feels like being short of breath, inhaling deeply but unable to take a really satisfying, full breath.

Maybe if I split a watermelon in half and stick my whole face into it.